Hi all, this is a special edition of the Burma Border Ben diary - it is in fact the Burma Border Ben and Beth diary, and your editor for the next paragraph is the second B (Border). The next entry may well be a Burma Border Ben, Beth Judith and Geoff diary - which is also funky coz it rhymes. Ben is serupticiously munching sweetcorn as I write this and hoping that the internet cafe owner doesnt see that he has wedged several bits of corn between the keys. We are in Mae Sariang at the moment, waiting for a car to take us into the camp. I will let Ben explain our previous movements.

Thanks Beth. My bowels are pretty empty, actually.

I was going to write something after that but I think that's enough. Let's get down to business with a description of the fantastical journey that has just befallen this intrepid and fearless fishpaste-fighting duo... (over to you beth)

Well my first fishpaste experience was pretty horrific - but the amazing bond that Ben and I have built up managed to get me through it - only suffering minor fishy fingers ([************************] - censored comment from Ben went here.). Ahem, I have control of the keyboard again. Ok well. I touched down at Bangkok Airport to be greeted by a animated mosquito net. I later discovered that this was Ben and stopped trying to run away.

So far (in 96.5 hrs) we have encountered:

* free information - thanks to our slightly deranged tuc tuc (I think it's a type of biscuit) driver who insisited we detoured across bangkok to ask questions (of what we were not sure) of bemused and disinterested tourist information ladies, in exchange for 5 litres of black tuc tuc liquor (sadly not achieved as we asked the wrong questions.)

* pink spongy thing - Ben bought this in a moment of 'I'll show Beth how Thailand street-wise I really am' madness... a true Thai delight consisting of green onion (inside) and miscellaneous pink chewy flubber. foul.

* shortest boat ride ever (and back) - the other side of the river was less appealing and eventful than the one from which we came. Still, we did better than the other foreigners who were summarily removed from the 2baht (that's three p) ferry for not paying. we both hate tourists.

"Beth, could you pass the aftersun?"

"Sure Ben, but wait while I finish my Big Mac."

"Okay, I only want to rub it onto the prostitute below me."

* lizard of the lake - a three foot (and pretty awesome) gargantuan bizzarely and frighteningly spied by Beth in, of all the places, the middle of Bangkok (lumpini park lake to be precise).

(er, can anyone understand what you just wrote Ben?)

* walking 600 miles - ouch. cough. splutter. (nearly) run over. burn. traffic. gaze at visual explosion before eyes - wow!

* night train - 741 baht of bloomin luxury (ben); much needed sleep (beth)
And no, I don't want any orange juice, thanks.

* mosquito greeting - an unfortunate but enthusiastic Chiang Mai welcome as we sat down for our first taste of the city's quiz-een in roadside cafe with a man who knew a lot about tennis in the 1970s (he managed the restaurant, he hadn't joined us for the meal).

* moped hire - Ben thought it would be a good idea (hmmm I seem to remember you agreeing, Beth) for us to join the suicidal throng of mopeds on the streets on Chaing Mai - i was to drive as i had driven a......... car before. So we asked to try out a moped from a lady who wasnt (at this point) too worried if we had driven one before. She did look a bit surprised when she found out that Ben and bags would be on the back - but undeterred I set off down the road to try it out (slight wobble noted by shop owner, Ben, and interested others). I thought i should have a longish practice (and the road to yourself, which, quite frankly, you needed) considering my inexperience. I started back to be met by the shop owner who had anxiously followed me in order to bring back her wrecked moped - no trust!!!
However, once Ben got on the back the wobble increased in amplitude and we aborted the mission - he has no centre of balance that one!!!
Ben: I hate it when wobbles increase in amplitude. Has anyone seen my centre of balance?

* book buying, big bad shop buying - many pounds worth of suitable yet weighty reading material, a giant sponge measuring jug (actually an ostrich doubling as a height measurer-thing) and whopping pooh jigsaw, stationery (why doesn't it ever move anywhere?), films, plates (you can never find one when you need it inside the camp), cd player (more of that later) and associated audio technologies, and some traditional fried broad beans that make you parrp.
Some of this shopping was done in tescos (yikes, argh, naughty) - sorry Unthank Road crew!!! On our exit we unfurled a giant Budgens poster, slapped this over the tesco sign and managed to convince half of Chiang Mai this was the place to come to sign the unthank road petition. (sorry crew (neck) who don't live in Norwich, you might not understand. nothing new there, eh?)

* burmese hellos - I met AAPP, DPNS, NHEC, 2Unlimited and other campaigners - and discovered some common friends. Learnt to eat with my hand and was initiated into the delights of floor sleeping (beth). I wasn't (ben), though I did learn the saliva-led hygenic maintenance of my fingers was a little on the rude side - that's effectively four months of sticking my fingers up at the dinner table wasted. And I thought it was turning them on.

* lakes, dogs and skinny dipping - a fantastic oasis on the edge of Chiang Mai, our visit to the University's lake brought relieving toe-dippage, (thankfully) no lizards, and significant nakedness on the part of the dogs. oh Beth, did you have to?

* doi suthep plus CD player and ben in a dress - doi suthep is an amazingly beautiful wat located a haggle and a taxi trip up the mountain in the west of Chiang mai. Lots of farang (tourists) but definately worth the trip. We were carrying all our luggage - and many people were amused/curious/concerned by Ben's ghetto blaster (the one we bought the day before). (Ben: yes, I shouldn't have been blasting out Flashdance in the temple, I accept.) But not as amused as they were when he put his longyi on (sarong which Burmese men wear - but Thai men certainly don't).

* monk on a mobile (someone really should get him down) - oh yes, and whilst drinking in the serenity and religious silence of the main temple I was intrigued to see a monk fiddling with his prayer beads. On closer inspection it appeared that the monk was using his mobile phone - one of many seeming contradictions that actually seem to seemingly sit happily next to each other here, seemingly.

* Burma border ben and beth on a burma border broken bus (that's the Bbbbbbbb of the title) - Beth (terrified), Ben (pretending not to be terrified). Everything was going (a little too) smoothly - we'd seen wats, climbed lizard steps to temples, bought footy shirts, tuc-tuc-zoomed across town, piled two tonnes of luggage onto this same biscuit-named transport, and made it to the church/bus station on time. Proudly, we sat on our selected Mae-Sariang-bound bus (which Ben commented looked really new - Beth) (yes, and I added something about our journey having gone really smoothly too). As we nonchalently sped along the foothills of the northern peaks, we were greeted with beautiful sights and ...a large fekkin explosion. In the UK maybe this would have brought the bus to an abrupt halt and got half the passengers on the phone to the best lawyer in town. Here the bus carried on for about two miles before the conductor insisted we stop and repair the missing rear wheel. We got out, sat a long way away from the bus as it was being jacked over the cliff, and were presently greeted by an opportunist ice-cream-in-a-bun-seller (they are always the first on the scene of an emergency in Thailand). Two passengers with bleeding thighs had their gaping wounds stuffed with said carte-do'er (or something similar), plus bread. (only joking mum - no-one was even remotely injured - beth). (Beth, let's be respectful to the seriously wounded.)(ha ha very funny ben - no really, no one was hurt - beth) (Beth, come on, that medic had to perform a Mr Whippy special...) .

Anyway, after about 90 minutes of roadside repairs (and one opportunistic exploded-tyre photo later), we set off, with slightly browned pants, to our rice-paddied destination.

* thankfully drunken driving - this one did happen, Jan. just a short taxi ride with a slightly tipsy guy (who happens to own the only taxi in town - it was that or the motorbike taxis mum). Bonus was - he forgot to charge us. (there's a tradition here where most of the taxi drivers, upon dropping you at your destination, charge at you like a bull.)

* meeting more Burmese and beth trying out her language skills - i can now say hello, how are you, that's hot, where is the loo (in the same sentence), pleased to meet you and other essentials (in the same sentence). Not many people at the Mae Sariang office - most in the camp. Treated to a meal and a good night's kip. Car coming to take us to the camp tomorrow (3am) (are eternal).

* preparation for the journey into the camp... here goes nothing!