Another old entry that never made it to print because of my corrupted floppy. This one was meant for Beth before she came out; if no-one else it should make interesting reading for you! Made me laugh!

For those of you that don't know, Beth is headed out on March 23rd to join me for three weeks. I am very excited by this. Here's a small Ben-guide to some do's and don't s for her and anyone else pondering the trip across (this goes out to you too M&D).

(NB If you want a really authentic experience maybe it's best not to read this. Your call...)

Before you come

• Make sure you don't believe the UK doctor when she says doxycycline is a good anti-malarial.
• Practice your latrine skills. A four-week course of early morning squats over a hole dug in the garden should do you fine and see you crapping in some style.
• Walk up some hills. Doing it slowly is fine (it's the technique here), but ensure you can at least manage some vertical movement by the time you arrive.
• Don't enrol on that 'Jungle Vine Swinging' course you've been thinking about - it's not that bad. (NB Fathers wishing to pleasantly surprise unexpecting sons with their astonishing tarzan-like agility might wish to go ahead and book, and go ahead with that back replacement operation too)

What to pack

• Photos of family, friends, England, anywhere (holiday snaps would be useful too): people are hugley interested in everywhere else and they're a great conversation starter.
• A pack of cards.
• Anything by Mary Wollstonecraft (if you're not sure, type her name into google...).
• Ray Mears.
• A garish tie, for amusing word-play jokes at every Thai checkpoint.
• A book or two (but you've got to really want to read them... instead you could always play secondhand bookshop lucky dip and see what you come up with - it's got me hooked).
• Suntan lotion: the chemists I've been to so far have only had skin whitening lotion for all those asians wanting their skin to look increasingly pasty (that's pasty as in yucky, not the Cornish thing).
• Some good mosquito lotion for the beginning of the trip, though it is available in shops here.
• A shortwave radio - for that connection with home (and if you don't use it, someone else can/will).
• Durable toys that can be shared by many.
• If you can, clothing for the kids as it's a little limited. For the boys, old football shirts etc are exactly the ticket (v. washable etc); for the girls... hmmm not too sure - not stockings and suspenders.
• Bring along some things to give a more realistic picture of life in a 'developed' country. Things that show the UK (and most of the developed world) is also (though to a lesser degree) a world of haves and have-nots/have-less would prove useful - people are astonished I can't drive and haven't got three cars. This isn't helped by many foreigner's exuberant expenditure when in the camp (though not mine, I'm down to about a thousand baht (fifteen pounds) per month for my remaining months here).
• Wet-wipes (without added moisturiser) - for those scum-of-the-earth moments they are unbeatable, and I haven't come across any in the shops I've visited so far.

What not to pack

• A machete to cut through all the creepers and vines in the jungle. Stowed away at the bottom of your hand luggage.
• Vaseline (your body is greasy enough already, wherever you're thinking of putting it).
• Your taste buds (in instances where the Paste etc. appears at your dinner table).
• Steadfastly westernised, privileged, idealised views of what a freedom fighter might be.
• Your make-up.
• Your fear of insects, though it's kinda funny (for the folks here) if you do bring this.
• Your expectation of a refugee camp being just like the ones twenty years ago somewhere in Africa reported on by Michael Beurk which started the whole Band Aid thing.
• Any personal belongings that you can't carry up a mountain by yourself. E.g. all your books from work, Dad. If you bring things for the kids, that's a different story.
• The hand-knitted knee-length socks you got from Aunt May for Christmas: (socks are totally pointless... but thinking about it the mossies do tend to go for the ankles, so maybe bring along one pair as protection...).
• Six boxes of ferrero rochet for the Burmese ambassador's reception.

What you can buy out here no problem (and which can be a lot cheaper than the UK)

• Camera film; electrical items; stationery, clothes, batteries, tapes etc; basic medicines and first aid items; toiletries, toilet roll, paper towels etc; anti-mosquito things - nets, sprays etc (Burma Border Beth I have a net you can borrow from the off).

While you're here: How to travel

• For more life: by train rather than plane, by bus rather than car, outside of the pick-up rather than inside, by moped if you want to move around a city fast and have a little thrill while doing so - just get a firm grip before you start and hold on, by public taxi (inclusive of an array of passenger types) rather than tuc-tuc (the fumes, the fumes... the price... plus you only ever see sunburned farang in 'em), by trader's car rather than private hire car when going into and out of the camp - or recycling truck for a really authentic experience. On foot is good to give time to yourself and allows you go a bit slower - but in Thailand its only tourists that do this, and maybe it's not best done between 11 and 3.

What to be prepared for food-wise

• Eating rice with every single meal and, now and again (one plate in three), excruciatingly crunching your teeth on a dastardly stone.
• A potential lack of fruit when inside the camp; an explosion of fruit when outside.
• Some delicious curries and Bu Thee Jor/Ne Pure Thee Jor (contrasted with dried fish and the Paste).
• Sometimes being offered the whole gammut of food types, tastes and flavours all in one go.
• The Burmese addiction to the sweetest kind of tea and especially western-style (usually alas Nescafe-branded) coffee in a packet.
• At first an extremely privileged gastronomic experience unless you state your wish to eat what and how and where most eat...
• Outside of the camp go eat in roadside cafes rather than tourist-oriented posher restaurants. The food is fresh, hot, authentic, delicious - and cheap. The mix of people teems with life. And the chance of contracting bird flu isn't that high.

What to expect

• An overwhelming interest in you; many people really wanting to speak with you and share your experience. On the other hand sometimes a lack of any expression of interest. Maybe this is because many foreigners have trodden this path before, or because they are held in high regard by many and this may distance some at first who are unsure and may be comparatively insecure. Often it depends on who in the Burmese hierarchy you have come in with and so how important you are deemed to be. Many might not be able to express their wants, needs and wishes to you until they feel a bit more comfy.
• On arriving at the camp, running the whole gammut of greetings: a school visit on your first and maybe second day; being introduced to all year groups; being knackared. Express what you'd like to do clearly and don't believe all the hype.
• If you offer anyone food, be persistent. Politeness will encourage an answer in the negative at first, but keep trying (unless you've got a vat of the Paste you're trying to get rid of...). Leave food with students and it'll be appreciatively devoured seconds after you've left.
• Drunk people / most of the men enjoying some tippling beverage.
• You potentially being somewhat sheltered from everything that happens by your appointed hosts - so try to spend time with a variety of folks.
• Perhaps a lack of the western concept of privacy - a challenging but ultimately positive thing.
• A different attitude to noise pollution, passive smoking, etc.
• Amazing journies and astonishing scenery - from the rice plains of Thailand to the misty morning mountains of the border.
• Efficient hospital treatment by good doctors if you become ill. (NB be ill on a Sunday if you want smaller queues.)
• A lack of in-depth explanation regarding most things - but this may well depend on English levels and the questions being asked.
• A lot of wondrous singing and guitar-playing emanating from some hut or gathering over yonder - go join!
• Sweat and scummyness, contrasted with the relief of washing when a barrel of cool water is found.
• Difference, similarity, frustration, misunderstanding, hilarity, surprise, amazement. Some really great people, a load of laughs.

What not to do

• Start handing out money immediately upon arrival.
• Listen to only one person the whole time (including me).
• Say something along the lines of... 'but ultimately the SPDC have got their heart in the right place, don't you think?'

What to say and do

• A little Burmese - anything is greeted with smiles and warm repetition - but don't fret about this too much; many, many people want to speak English, and on visiting their houses often (in a friendly way) won't allow you to speak the native lingo! Speak English slowly, consciously and clearly. Avoid idioms (e.g. 'this isn't at all like my neck of the woods').
• Say what you'd like to do as much as do what others would like you to do, and check their understanding of your wishes too.
• Don't shy away from asking some difficult questions. It will give you an insight into their (very)political world. Those with less to lose might talk; some lower down the chain might defer responsibility for answering to others higher up, as if without opinion.
• Communicate with all with smiles and nods, but don't automatically expect a response.
• Eat with your hand if you can, the trick is in the thumb (I will show/explain) - it makes everything a whole lot easier. And eat as much as you can each time you get the chance - sometimes because of busyness you might not know when next you'll get the chance.
• Commit to trying everything at least once. (Again, this rule shouldn't be extended to absolutely everything.)
• Do what isn't expected. Show your individuality - that you're not just another money-lavishing white robot...

Okay, lecture over, see you here!

The intrepid survivor: she didn't need it in the end!